Why You Shouldn't Try to Win Someone Back After They Lose Interest
5 Reasons You Should Let Them Go Rather Than Trying to Win Them Back
In reality, though, the idea that you should fight and fight to try to win someone back after they’ve lost interest in a relationship with you is a harmful idea.
“The idea that one can win someone back is not only emotionally damaging, but can also harm the person being pursued,” says Michelle English, LCSW, co-founder and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery. “There is somehow a false sense of control implied by this concept, as though one person has the power to manipulate another into changing his or her mind.”
If you’re considering trying to win someone back, you probably don’t have bad intentions. You have feelings — feelings that can range from a bruised ego to complete heartbreak. This is normal, especially in the face of rejection. You want to turn the outcome around into one that goes your way. You don’t want to say goodbye to the hopes you had for your future together. So you think about ways to win your love interest back.
“While this might seem like a logical romantic pursuit, it's essential to recognize the potential harm that can arise from this idea, both for yourself and others involved,” according to relationship coach Chris Gillis.
Here’s why trying to convince someone to be into you is a bad idea – and what to focus on instead:
You Can Overlook Important Boundaries
While there is something to be said about not giving up on your professional and personal goals, you can’t apply the same never-back-down attitude to love. There’s another human being involved, and doing so can lead you to overlook important boundaries. It sucks that they’ve lost interest, and you can absolutely express yourself and how you feel about the situation.
But if they’ve taken a step back or ended the relationship, attempting to win them back sends the message that you are disregarding their own feelings and decisions, says Gillis.
What you see as a romantic gesture or a refusal to give up on what you care about can translate into a lack of respect for others’ wishes and boundaries.
“It's never OK to pressure someone into changing their mind or guilting them into staying in a relationship they no longer want just because you want them back,” says English.
It Probably Won’t Work, Even If They Do Come Back
Even if your strategy worked, it probably won’t lead to a great relationship in the long run.
“This attitude leaves little room for truly resolving any underlying issues that may have caused the breakup in the first place,” adds English. “Without properly addressing these core issues, relationships are more likely to fail again in the future. This can create an unhealthy dynamic that can lead to further hurt and resentment.”
Plus, you may end up feeling insecure when considering the idea that the person already lost interest in you once. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who wouldn’t entertain the idea of losing you?
You Won’t Address Deeper Self-Esteem Issues
There’s also the fact that trying to win someone back distracts you from dealing with deeper self-esteem issues.
“Trying to win someone back implies that their validation is necessary for your self-esteem and self-worth,” says Gillis. “Placing your value in the hands of another person can lead to a detrimental cycle of seeking external validation, making it difficult to maintain a healthy self-esteem.”.
Your persistence in gaining their interest back can signal that you need to work on your self-love. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s an opportunity for growth and healing — and better relationships in the future.
It’s a Time and Energy Drain
Not to mention all the time and energy that you’re investing in getting their attention.
As Gillis points out, this type of investment may prevent you from exploring other potential connections. You won’t be open to new romantic interests if you’re fixated on a person who doesn’t share your feelings.
It Sets You Up for More Hurt and Disappointment
It also sets you up for more hurt and disappointment. If they reject you again despite your best efforts at rekindling the relationship, it will only break your heart more. “Continuously pursuing someone who is not interested can result in repeated rejection and prolonged heartache,” adds Gillis.
The hard truth is, not all relationships are meant to be. People may not like you as much as you like them, and it has nothing to do with what you’re doing or not doing. Sometimes, people’s feelings also change over time, even if your connection started strong. Coming to terms with those facts is a process.
But when you try to win someone back after they’ve lost interest, you’re only delaying the start of that process and prolonging your pain.
What to Do Instead of Trying to Win Someone Back
“Rather than trying to win someone back, focusing on yourself and your own growth is better,” English says. “It's an excellent opportunity for personal development, and can help you become an even better version of yourself.”
She adds that you should take some time to reflect on what went wrong with the relationship so you can learn from the experience.
Having an open and respectful conversation with your romantic interest can be constructive and provide closure, says Gillis.
But respecting their ultimate decision is crucial. Since it won’t instantly resolve your hurt feelings, it’s important to surround yourself with loved ones and prioritize your own well-being. You can’t control how someone feels about you, but you can lean on your support system and cultivate healthy emotional habits. As you heal and feel ready to date again, do so with mindfulness.
“Be open to new connections but avoid the trap of seeking a replacement to fill the void left by the previous relationship,” adds Gillis.
Take a step back and work on processing your loss so you can have a fresh start. Unreciprocated feelings are never fun, but, as cheesy as it sounds, you may end up feeling grateful that things didn’t work out down the road.
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