Jessica Knappett: The six stages of a modern relationship

SELECTION (SWIPING RIGHT)

You are single and in the market for a potential mate. You may be casually browsing or you may be manically rebounding – either way, you’ve never looked better and neither has your Tinder profile. This stage is about making crucial selections as to who you would prefer to become intimate with, based on little to no information. Once you have confidently jumped to a conclusion you may then come to a mutual agreement about the acceptability of each other’s looks. Moving forward, if the pictures you have sent each other of your genitals have not caused offence and the lies you have told about yourself have worked, then you may have successfully tricked that person into agreeing to meet you in person. Your lonely, painful hours of waxing, wanking and working out have paid off. For now.

RESEARCH (INTERNET STALKING)

Next, it’s all about gathering the information you need to make further decisions about whether you can bear to let this person inside your flat/trousers/soul. Traditionally, it would take the form of conversation but who needs that when you can read all their tweets and imagine what they are like at kissing by zooming in on their lips? The first date requires immense willpower and discretion as you subtly withhold all the information you already know and act surprised as you “discover” they are an IT consultant with a dog called Tony. If you haven’t done it already, now is the best time to weed out criminals, racists and Moby fans. Still interested? Congratulations, you are about to have sex.

PROBING (NETFLIX AND CHILL)

This is the stage where you put your compatibility to the test in every way. You will shag, you will meet each other’s friends, you will indeed watch Netflix and chill. You might find yourself in the background of a Skype conversation with their parents and decide to join in. At this point you’ll know you’re in it for the long haul. If you do not reach this point, or if your partner tells you they are dating someone else and asks whether you are cool with that, return to stage one.

COMMITMENT (STATUS UPDATE)

To qualify for this stage, you must go beyond private affection to make public declarations of your commitment. These include Instagramming a picture of the two of you as a couple, updating your relationship status or announcing to your friends that you are “coming off Tinder”. You say “I love you”, you go abroad, you put on a stone. Hopefully they have not left their penis at stage three. If commitment anxiety is yet to set in then you may now proceed to stage five.

ENDURANCE

You have fused your friends, belongings and personal space. You may be struggling to remember who you were before you met this person and you tell yourself this is a good thing. There are no formalities left. You freely tell them when they are badly dressed and break wind in front of each other. You may now stay at stage 5 until one of you dies. Alternatively, you can decide to repeat Stage 4 in a more expensive and legally binding way in front of your friends. Or, if you find you prefer reading other people’s Twitter conversations than have a real-life convo with your partner, you have reached stage six.

DETERIORATION

You openly tell each other you hate each other, become broken-hearted and move in with your parents. Return to Stage 1, repeating all stages, but drunk and alone. Alternatively, have a baby and go back to Stage 5, but be sure to furiously Instagram the sprog’s every waking moment or you won’t know it’s real.

Drifters airs Thursday 5 November, 9pm, E4